I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
