how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
