U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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