So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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