Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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