If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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