we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
