I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We don't watch enough power rangers
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
