I wish you could order shots online.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
