Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
