Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
