I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
and you said cock pushups were impossible
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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