This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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