ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
