theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
