I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
