dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
