I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
