Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
