Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
