I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
