im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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