One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
