so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
