the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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