oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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