I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
