I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
