I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
