My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Nicole vs. Life
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
