So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
