she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
