That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
