How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
