It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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