That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
