Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
