I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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