I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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