if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
