genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
