That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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