YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
