Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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