so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
