guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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