I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My bed smells like the plague
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
