your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
They are going to name an STD after you.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
