I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
