i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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